The Funnies

Note: Bait Bus is a website featuring videos of supposedly straight men being 'tricked' into having sex with gay men.


Season Two

Episode 1: In My Time of Dying
Dean: I don’t think it’s killing people, I think it’s taking them. You know, when... when they’re time’s just up.
Sam: A reaper. Dean, is it after you? If it’s here naturally, there’s no way to stop it.
Dean: Yeah, you can’t kill death.
Sam: Man, you’re um...
Dean: I’m screwed, Sam. But there is something you can do for me.
Sam: Wait, what...? H. O. R. N. Y? You’re horny? How can you be horny at a time like this?
Dean: Come on, Sammy, consider it my dying wish.
Sam: N. A. K. E... Oh, no, I am not getting naked in a god damn hospital so you can jack off as a ghost. That is so like you... What? C. O. M. E. O. N. No, this is wrong, it’s... P. L. E. A. S. E. Damnit. Fine, but you so owe me for this.

Episode 2: Everyone Loves a Clown
Jo: So.
Dean: So.
Jo: Am I gonna see you again?
Dean: Do you want to?
Jo: I wouldn’t hate it.
Dean: Hm. Can I be honest with you? You see, normally, I’d be hitting on you so fast it’d make your head spin. But, uh... these days... I don’t know.
Jo: Wrong place? Wrong time? It’s okay, I get it. You’re sleeping with your brother.
Dean: What?!
Jo: No, it’s cool, really, although, just a heads up, those windows in that van? Not nearly as tinted as you two seem to think.
Dean: ...
Jo: Tell you what, stud, you boys decide you want a little extra fun, you let me know.

Episode 3: Bloodlust
Gordon: Sam and Dean Winchester. I can’t believe it. You know, you guys are seriously famous.
Sam: Famous?
Gordon: You mean, you don’t know?
Dean: Know about what, dude?
Gordon: The website; pictures, videos. That's some kinky stuff you boys get into. It’s moderated by this chick named Sarah out of New York. Lot of contributors. One of the biggest was some girl named Meg, but, uh, she dropped off a few months ago. No one’s really sure what happened to her. It’s all over the network.
Dean: Network?!
Gordon: Yeah, you know how Hunters talk.
Dean: No, we don’t, actually.
Gordon: Guess there’s a lot your Dad never told you, huh?
Dean: I guess not.
Gordon: Look, don’t take it personal okay. We all do desperate things when we’re lonely. Now, about this job. I’ve got it covered. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a real pleasure meeting you fellows, but I’ve been on this thing for over a year. I killed a fang back in Austin, tracked the nest all the way up here. I’ll finish it. *drives off*
Sam: Dude, network? All over? Sarah?! Man, I knew hooking up with her was a bad idea.
Dean: Come on, it isn’t that bad. Besides, it wasn’t like you weren’t there, and sober this time.
Sam: So help me god, Dean, if there are pictures of us in that van, I am withholding for a week.
Dean: Dude, that was the best thing that ever happened in that van.
Sam: A week, Dean!
Dean: Son of a bitch.

Episode 4: Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things
Niel: What are you guys doing here?
Dean: You know, I've heard of some people doing some pretty desperate things to get laid, but you? You take the cake.
Niel: Okay, who are you guys?
Dean: You might want to ask Angela that question.
Niel: What?
Sam: We know what you did.
Niel: Okay, fine, but I'm not doing it again. I don't care how much you offer to pay me this time...
Sam: Wow, wow, wait; what are you talking about?!
Niel: The thing with the Bait Bus. Isn't that...?
Dean: No, god, what the hell? We said ask Angela. You know, the chick you brought back from the dead?
Niel: Oh, because, Angela kind of worked with them, so I thought... you know what, never mind. Where were we?
Dean: We were intimidating you into telling us about how you used ancient Greek rituals to turn your would-be girlfriend into a walking dead blowup doll.
Niel: ...so about that Bait Bus thing...

Episode 5: Simon Says
Andy: I mean, like, when I got my mind thing, it was like a gift, you know? It was like I won the lotto.
Sam: But, you still live in a van? I don't get it. I mean, you could have anything you ever wanted.
Andy: I mean... I... I've got everything I need.
Sam: So, you're really not a killer, huh?
Andy: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Sam: That's good. It means there's hope for both of us. Look, when all this is over, you think you could do me a favor?
Andy: Yeah, sure.
Sam: Call my brother's cell and tell him to do whatever I say for thirty minutes.
Andy: Oh, I don't know...
Sam: *puppy dog eyes*
Andy: ...what the hell, us psychics gotta stick together, right? So, thirty minutes?
Sam: Better make it an hour.

Episode 6: No Exit
Jo: What do you... what do you remember about your dad? I mean, what's the first thing that pops into your head?
Dean: ...
Jo: Come on, tell me.
Dean: I was six or seven and, uh, we really needed the money...

Episode 7: Usual Suspects
Sam: These showed up after you saw it?
Diana: Yeah, I... I geuss
Sam: They looked like rope burn, thick rope, but it didn’t break the skin, so not too rough. Kind of reminds me of the marks on my arms after Dean and I...
Diana: *cough*
Sam: Oh, um, right, sorry. Uh, you’re gonna have to tell me exactly what you saw.

Episode 8: Crossroad Blues
Sam: So much for a low profile. You've got a warrant in St. Louis and you're officially in the Fed's database.
Dean: Dude, I'm like Dillinger or something.
Sam: Dean, it's not funny. Makes the job harder. We've gotta be more careful now. Besides, Dillinger probably never had a prostitution wrap.
Dean: What?!
Sam: *smirk*
Dean: How the hell did they find out about that?
Sam: ...I was kidding.
Dean: Oh. Awkward.

Episode 9: Croatoan
Sam: How you holding up, Pam?
Pam: Good. It'll all be over soon. In fact, I've been waiting for this the whole time.
Sam: For what?
Pam: To get you alone. *attacks Sam*
Dean: *charges in, shoots Pam* He's mine, bitch. I mean... *glances back at Sarge* You okay there, Sammy?

Episode 10: Hunted
Gordon: Dean, it's his destiny. Look, I'm sympathetic. He's your brother, you love the guy. This has gotta hurt like hell for you. *gets out gag* But here's the thing, it would have wrecked him, but... wait, did you hear that?
Dean: Hmmhp...?
Gordon: Just then it... it sounded like a thousand fangirls orgasming at the same time.
Dean: Mmmm...

Episode 11: Playthings
Tyler: Mommy, the boy dolls keep getting on top of each other!

and

Sam: Dude, what the fuck? It was one doll. One. I didn't even want it; it came with my fucking Happy Meal.
Dean: Whatever, Dude, you kept that thing under your seat for like three years.
Sam: I wasn't keeping it, I lost it!
Dean: Sure you did.
Sam: You are such a jerk

Episode 12: Nightshifter
Sam: Dean, we’re supposed to be looking for eyes.
Dean: I’m gettin’ there.
Sam: Oh, yeah?
Dean: Uhhu. Wait a minute. Hello, freak.
Sam: Got him.
Dean: Sam.
Sam: What?
Dean: Would you mind? I’ve kinda got a problem I could use your help with. If you know what I mean.
Sam: No, Dean. Now, come on.
Dean: Wait.
Sam: What?
Dean: I can’t go out like this.
Sam: Then you shouldn’t have been looking at ass when you were supposed to be doing your job. You want to help yourself, I’ll be waiting outside.
Dean: Sam.
Sam: Dean, for the last time, I don’t care how horny you are, or how hot you look in that uniform, I am not giving you a blowjob in the security office of a bank!
Dean: I was gonna say Ronald’s chaining the front door, but... you really think I look hot?
Sam: Shut up.

Episode 13: Houses of the Holy
Dean: Say it.
Sam: No.
Dean: Come on, Sammy.
Sam: No.
Dean: Do it, or I won’t give you another quarter.
Sam: ...fine. You were right.
Dean: And?
Sam: There really is magic in the Magic Fingers. Now give me the damn roll.

Episode 14: Born Under a Bad Sign
Dean: Sam, when Dad told me I might have to kill you, it was only if I couldn't save you. Now, if it's the last thing I do, I'm gonna save you. Even if I have to bend over and take it up the ass every now and again.
Sam: Really?
Dean: Yeah.
Sam: You know, I am feeling kind of... evil.
Dean: Not right now.
Sam: Come on, I've got all this... rage and aggression. I need to take it out on something.
Dean: What, like my ass?
Sam: That's what I was thinking.
Dean: Well, think again, demon-boy, you're not getting much more than standing blowjobs until this shoulder heals.
Sam: But... bullet wounds can take weeks to heal.
Dean: You think I don't know that?
Sam: Next time I see her, the bitch will die.

Episode 15: Tall Tales
Sam: Hey, give me back my money.
Dean: Oh, no. No, consider it reparations for emotional trauma.
Sam: Yeah, very funny, now give it back.
Dean: No.
Sam: Dean, I have had it up to here with you.
Dean: Yeah, right back atcha.
*hot boy wrestling*
Bobby: Okay, I've heard enough.
Dean: But I was just getting to the good part. So, Sam was behind me, you know, trying to get the money clip - which never would have worked if he hadn't distracted me - and I feel something poking my back and I asked him, "Is that your dick, or are you just happy to see me," and Sam was all, "Oh, Deany, I can't stay mad at you. Take me, big boy."
Sam: I did not!
Dean: Dude, you totally did. Then, he was all "I love you, Dean" with his hand down my pants, like he hadn't fucked my car up not ten minutes ago and I would have pointed that out, but him being my bitch and all...
Sam: I am not your bitch! And I did not say that.
Dean: Like you remember anything you say when my cock's up your...
Bobby: Okay, boys, that's enough.
Dean: But...
Bobby: Really.
Dean: Fine.
Sam: ... you're the bitch.
Dean: Oh, that's it!
Bobby: I'll just be waiting outside then. I swear, they never change.

Episode 16: Roadkill
Molly: Stop! Stop!
Dean: Holy...
Molly: You have to help me.
Sam: Dean, I don’t think she knows she’s dead.
Dean: You know what this means?
Sam: Huh? What are you...
Dean: Dude, ghost sex!
Sam: ...
Molly: You’ve gotta help me. *bangs on window* Please! Please?
Dean: Oh, and she can touch things. We are so in there.
Sam: Dean, shut up. All right, all right, calm down. Calm down. Tell us what happened.

Episode 17: Heart
Sam: She... she turned.
Dean: What?
Sam: I couldn’t grab her in time.
Dean: We’ll find her, Sammy.
Sam: Wait. Dean...
Dean: Yeah?
Sam: Werewolf sex. That’s one up on you and Dad.
Dean: Shut up and call Bobby.

Episode 18: Hollywood Babylon
Dean: Hey, uh, I wanted to ask you. What was it like working with Richard Mole?
Sam: ...
Dean: Metal Storm. He was Hiron, King of the Psychlopse People.
Gerard: Gentlemen’s Gentleman.
Dean: Yeah?
Sam: Are we done here? Or did you wanna, you know, get on your knees and maybe suck his cock or something?
Dean: ...Can I?

Episode 19: Folsom Prison Blues
Daniels: They just don’t seem cut and dry guilty to me. I think there’s more to this.
Henriksen: Like what?
Daniels: I don’t know, I can’t put my fingers in it. It’s just... strange.
Henriksen: Wait, did you say put your fingers in it?
Daniels: Just wait, Henriksen, something doesn’t add up. Those boys are getting off. I’ll see to it.
Henriksen: You’ll what?
Daniels: You know, you don’t even have enough hard evidence.
Henriksen: That’s just wrong.
Daniels: Mark my word, I’ll wrap my mouth around this one...
Henriksen: ...
Daniels: Yeah, I know. I’d already used a hand reference, though.   I was kind of stuck.
Henriksen: See, that’s where you went wrong, you should have gone with something like... digging deep, maybe?
Daniels: Hm. Okay, I got it, let’s try this again. They just don’t seem cut and dry guilty to me. I think there’s more to this.
Henriksen: Like what?
Daniels: I don’t know, it’s just strange. I think I need to dig deeper.
Henriksen: Much better.

Episode 20: What Is and What Should Never Be
Dean: I don’t believe it.
Mary: Honey, you’re grabbing my ass.
Dean: Sorry, just... old habit.
Mary: What?
Dean: Nothing.

Later

Sam: Okay, what’s gotten into you?
Dean: What do you mean?
Sam: I mean this whole warm, fuzzy, ecstacy trip thing.
Dean: I’m just happy for you, Sammy.
Sam: Yeah, right, that’s another thing. Since when do you call me Sammy? Dean, come on. We don’t talk outside of holidays
Dean: We don’t? ... Wait, does that mean we don’t...?
Sam: Don’t what?
Dean: Well, you know.
Sam: No, I don’t.
Dean: ... Oh, that does it, this reality sucks.
Sam: Dean, where are you going?
Dean: To kill a goddamned genie. Wish granting my ass, it’s more like a friggin’ nightmare. Where the hell does Mom keep the silver? And do you know where there’s an all night butcher somewhere around here?

Episode 21: All Hell Breaks Lose (Part One)
Demon: You’re awfully quite, Sam. You’re not mad at me, are ya?
Sam: I’m gonna... fuck the shit out of you, I swear to...
Demon: Wait, what?! Where the hell did that come from?
Sam: Well... it’s like... I mean... Dean said...
Demon: Dean said what?
Sam: We both kind of noticed that pretty much everyone I sleep with dies. Actually, more than pretty much. So, we figured if I slept with you...
Demon: Zip that the hell back up. Boy, what is wrong with you? Maybe I was little rash taking Daddy away. You two can’t pull a plot device out of each other’s ass without him leading the way.  You've been sleeping with Dean for how long?  I haven't killed him, have I?
Sam: You tried!  Dean’s just strong and... smart and stuff, so...
Demon: Strong and smart and stuff. Well, I’ll give you ‘and stuff,’ but here’s the thing, Sammy. If I’d wanted to take Dean, I would have. So, what you have to ask yourself... I said zip up and put your shirt back on. What you have to ask yourself is, why didn’t I?
Sam: Because... I got nothing.
Demon: I swear, it’s like talking to a male model.

Episode 22: All Hell Breaks Lose (Part Two)
Demon: You saw what your brother just did to Jake, right? That was pretty cold, wasn’t it? How certain are you, that what you brought back is one hundred percent pure Sam?
Dean: Pretty sure.
Demon: ...
Sam: Dean, what’s he talking about?
Dean: He still can’t do the reach around worth hell and he pretty much sucks at deep throating.
Sam: Dude, that is private!
Dean: I’m just saying, you’ve been giving head for like, what? Ten years. You’d think you’d have your gag reflex under control about now.
Sam: Just because I’m not some world class cock sucker like you doesn't mean I’m no good at blow jobs!
Dean: Ah, baby, I never said you were no good. I’m just saying that’s like sodomy, right? Total sin, goes against god, all that church crap. If the demon chick put something demonic in you, I just figured you’d be a little better at it, that’s all.
Sam: No, you know what’s all? You’re not getting head for the next month.
Dean: Don’t be like that...
Sam: Wait... where did the demon go?
Dean: ... I don’t know. Did he leave again?
Sam: Son of a bitch!
Dean: Hey, that’s my line.

-Finis-

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