The Funnies
Season Three
Episode 1: The Magnificent Seven
Sam: Let me see your knife.
Dean: What for?
Sam: So I can gouge my eyes out?
Dean: It was a beautiful, natural act, Sam.
Sam: It's a part of you I never wanted to see, Dean.
Dean: Yeah, well, what can I say? Sometimes the fangirls want het.
Sam: Screw the fangirls, that was all Kripke and he is one sick bastard.
Dean: If it makes you feel any better, I only enjoyed it a little.
Sam: I hate you.
Dean: You're just jealous 'cause the last girl you made it with begged you to shoot her.
Sam: Really, really hate you.
and
(Ruby kills brown hairs chick/demon, Sam grabs Pride, Ruby stabs Pride)
Sam: Who the hell are you?
Ruby: The new website administrator.
Sam: What?
Ruby: I'm the girl that just saved your ass.
Sam: Right...
Episode 2: The Kids Are Alright
Gumbi Girl: Do you think he'll be okay?
Dean: Yeah, I think he'll be fine. Okay, seriously, you... I mean, you're 100 percent sure he is not mine?
Gumbi Girl: You're off the hook. I did a blood test when he was a baby. There was this guy, bar back in a biker joint.
Dean: ...
Gumbi Girl: What? I had a type. Leather jacket, couple of scars, no mailing address, I was there. Guess I was a little wild back then. Before I became a mom. So, yeah, you can relax.
Dean: Good.
Gumbi Girl: I... I swear you look disappointed.
Dean: Yeah, well, Sammy's always wanted kids, but I was never into it. He's alright, though, you know? I'd be proud to be his dad.
Gumbi Girl: Isn't Sam you're brother?
Dean: ...No. How do you feel about threesomes?
Episode 3: Bad Day at Black Rock
Dean: 1995.
Sam: No way! That's my division championship soccer trophy. I can't believe he kept this.
Dean: It's about the closest you ever came to being a boy. Ah, wow! It's Dad's secret porn stash!
Sam: Wait! Don't.
Dean: Why not?
Sam: Dean, he didn't hide transvestite hookers from us. There could be anything in there, but I'm betting whatever it is, we don't want to see it.
Dean: *nods* You're right. We'll mail it to Bobby.
Episode 4: Sin City
Dean: Richie? I don't believe it.
Richie: Hey, Dean... Winchester, right?
Dean: Yeah.
Richie: Yeah. Oh, um, this is my sister, uh, Cheryl.
Cheryll: Hey.
Dean: Hey, Cheryl.
Richie: Well, you know, step sister.
Dean: Come on in. This is my little brother Sam.
Richie: Really? I didn't know you swung that way.
Dean: Not like that. Well, kind of like that.
Episode 5: Bedtime Stories
Dean: Well, you're right, it's Snow White in spades
Sam: Yup. Stepmom poisons the girl, puts her into a deep sleep.
What's the motive, you think?
Dean: Could be like Misha Barton.
Sam: ...?
Dean: Sixth Sense, not the OC.
Sam: Why am I the bottom again?
Dean: Shut up. You know fairytales, I know movies.
Episode 6: Red Sky at Morning
Dean: Okay, get it out. I look ridiculous.
Bella: Not exactly the word I'd use.
Dean: Don't objectify me. That's Sam's job.
Bella: He's welcome to join.
Dean: ...maybe. Come on, we've got a job to do.
Episode 7: Fresh Blood
Vampire: You don't understand.
Dean: I don't want to understand, you son of a...
Vampire: I was desperate. You ever felt desperate? I've lost
everyone I ever loved. I'm staring down eternity alone. Can you think of a
worse hell?
Dean: No sex on prom night?
Sam: Dean! Are you still on that?
Dean: Yeah, well, it was pretty damn important.
Sam: It was over ten years ago and you didn't even go to prom.
Dean: What, so I don't deserve prom-night sex because I didn't put on a monkey suit and dance the Macarena? I've got feelings too, Sammy!
Sam: No, you don't. You have a dick that does the driving for you and this isn't even about prom. I was fourteen at your prom, we'd barely managed our first handjob. This is about earlier. I wasn't trying to stiff you, I just wasn't in the mood.
Dean: Yeah, you go badass Hunter on me and then when I put the moves on, because it was totally hot, you're all, "Not now, Dean, my panties are in a twist, because blah blah blah."
Sam: Dude, I do not sounds like that and how come every time you mimic me, you start that babbling shit. I don't babble.
Dean: Then how come all I'm hearing is, "Blah blah blah."
Vampire: I take it back, this is far worse. Just cut my head
off and get it over with.
Sam: Now look what you've done. The vampire is asking us to kill him. Way to go, Dean.
Dean: This so is not my fault. You're the one with the magical
death penis.
Sam: My penis went nowhere near him.
Vampire: Seriously, guys, please? I can't really kill myself, so if you could just...
Episode 8: A Very Supernatural Christmas
Dean: Hey, Sam?
Sam: Yeah?
Dean: Why are you the boy that hates Christmas?
Sam: Dean...
Dean: I mean, I admit it, we had a few bumpy holidays when we were kids, but that...
Sam: Bumpy?
Dean: That was then. We'll do it right this year.
Sam: Look, Dean, it's... it's not like that, okay? It's just...
Dean: Come on, Sam, you can tell me.
Sam: Remember the year Dad was actually there? Like physically
there Christmas morning?
Dean: How could I not? It was the only time I didn't have to put up your stocking.
Sam: I woke up that night and I heard something. It was like... I dunno, something thumping around in the other room and I thought it was Santa.
Dean: Really? You thought Santa was real?
Sam: That's the thing. I was right - it was Santa. Dad had him bent over the coffee table, screwing his brains out.
Dean: Oh! Oh, damn! Dude... Dude, I'm sorry.
Sam: No, it's just... you know?
Dean: Yeah, oh, I'm really sorry. I won't ever bring that up again.
Sam: Thanks.
Dean: ...Hey, Sam?
Sam: Yeah?
Dean: We, uh... we passed a Walmart couple towns back. I bet they sell Santa suits.
Sam: Jerk!
Dean: What?! I said we'd do it right this time.
Episode 9: Malleus Maleficarum
Dean: Come on, Sammy, please?
Sam: I said no, Dean. I'm not wearing a stupid Santa suit so you can indulge your Daddy issues.
Dean: Hey! Our Daddy issues.
Sam: Whatever, I'm not doing it. Now drop it already.
Dean: But I paid thirty bucks for this thing!
Sam: Too bad!
Episode 10: Dream a Little Dream of Me
Dean: What the hell is that?
Sam: Bobby's hair.
Dean: We have to drink Bobby's hair?
Sam: That's how you control whose dream you're in. You gotta drink some of their... uh, some of their body.
Dean: Guess hair of the dog's better than other parts of the body. Never want to go there again.
Sam: Never want to see you go there again.
Dean: Bottom's up.
Sam: (Snickers) That's what he said.
Dean: Shut up...
Episode 11: Mystery Spot
Dean: Bullshit. That spot hasn't been a mystery since you turned sixteen.
Episode 12: Jus In Bello
Dean: What the hell was that?!
Sam: (holds up cross) We're sitting ducks in here.
Dean: Yeah, I know. On the upside...
Sam: If you say prison sex, I'll shoot you myself.
Dean: Fine, your lose.
Sam: How many do you think are out there?
Dean: I don't know. More than the threesome in Sacramento, less
than the orgy in Bakersfield.
Sam: However many there are, they could be possessing anyone.
Anyone could just walk right in.
Dean: Now you're just ignoring me.
Episode 13: Ghost Facers
Ed: So, guys, what do you think?
Dean: (chuckle)
Ed: You alright?
Dean: You know, I kind of think it was half awesome.
Maggie: Half awesome? Tha.. that's full on good, right?
Sam: Yeah, I mean it's... it's bizarre how you all are able to, uh, to honor Corbit's memory while grossly exploiting the manner of his death.
Dean: Yeah, that's a real tight rope you guys are walking.
Sam: Yeah.
Dean: Except you left out the best part.
Ed: What are you...?
Harry: He's talking about the... you know.
Ed: Oh. Oh! God, no, I'm trying not to.
Harry: Yeah, 'cause...
Ed: Exactly. 'Cause she's, you know, my sister and...
Maggie: Hey, half sister. And I wasn't the only one getting freaky with Harry.
Ed: Wow! Okay, that's the last time I want that to ever be
mentioned. Got it? I said, got it?
Harry: Yeah, totally.
Maggie: Whatever.
Spruce: (mumbles) Best night of my life.
Maggie: What was that?
Spruce: I said... Where did those guys go?
Episode 14: Long-Distance Call
Dean: I mean, the only person that can get me out of this thing is me.
Sam: And me.
Dean: And me?
Sam: What?
Dean: Deep revelation, having a real moment here, that's what... that's what you come back with - and me?
Sam: Do you want a poem?
Dean: Moment's gone. Unbelievable.
Sam: Hey.
Dean: I said, moment's gone.
Sam: I know what'll cheer you up.
Dean: Drop it, Sammy.
Sam: My tongue, your ass?
Dean: ... Yeah, okay. It's been a while since I had a good rim job and you better make it good after that snazzy comeback.
Episode 15: Time Is On My Side
Sam: I think this might be it. I mean I... I know we've hit a lot of walls in the past, but I think this might save you.
Dean: What's this formula.
Sam: Look, we're not in the clear yet. There's a lot things I don't understand, but...
(Dr. Benton jumps Sam and puts a cloth over his face)
Dean: Sam? Sammy! Damnit, if you are getting kidnapped again, you are in big trouble, mister!
Episode 16: No Rest for the Wicked
Dean: I know. And those evil sons of bitches know it to. I mean, what we'll do for each other, you know, how far we'll go. They're using it
against us.
Sam: So what, we just stop looking out for each other?
Dean: No. We stop being martyrs. Man, we... we stop spreading it for those demons.
Sam: You're spreading it for demons?
Dean: What?
Sam: I thought my ass was the secret weapon. Although, that could explain...
Dean: No, damnit. Okay, bad analogy. But you know what I meant.
-Finis-